I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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