I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize