she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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