Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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