And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I want a musical about memes.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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