There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
