i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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