things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
