Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
