It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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