when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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