The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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