I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
