Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I supernannyed him into submission
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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