Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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