Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
