Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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