Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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