You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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