Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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