Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
