I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
