I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
