I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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