My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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