so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
