highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
