im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
