You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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