Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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