I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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