I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
