the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Two words: nipple clamps
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