Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize