the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize