barbara walters just said penis...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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