Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
