went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
