everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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