My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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