Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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