just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Randomize
