I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
