explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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