she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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