based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
