who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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