I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
