I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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