I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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