Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
