The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
