when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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