God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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