Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
