This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
