my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
