i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
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