I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
