Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
