I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
