turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
