seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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