my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize