Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
