I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
