That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
