this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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